So this guy. . . .

So on Monday morning, this guy goes to work with a nasty-looking black eye.

What happened to you?” said his friend.

Geeesh. . . I was in Church yestereday. When we all stood up to sing a hymm, this old woman in front of me stood up. She was wearing a huge billowy dress and the back of the dress was stuck in her belt and in her rear end. So I reached forward and pulled it out.  With that, she turned around and smacked me.”

Gee that’s too bad,” said the friend. “You try and do a good deed and look what happens.”

The next Monday the same guy came to work – this time with the other eye all blackened.   His friend saw him and said “Wow! What happened to you?”

Guy said “So yesterday we go to Church. And we sit behind this same woman. We all stood up to sing a hymm and – just like last week – her big billowy dress was caught up in her belt and in her rear end. The guy next to me reached over and pulled it out. But I knew she didn’t like that so I just leaned forward and tucked it all back in. . . . . . “

So this guy. . . .

As a follow up to the prior post regarding attitudes on religious tolerance, you may enjoy the following. . . . . .

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”  He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” And I said, “Me, too!

Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too!

What denomination?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too!

“Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”  I said, “Me, too!!

“Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”  I said, “Me, too!!

“Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!!!

Are you Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him off the bridge.

So this guy. . . .

So this poor guy was extremely embarrassed because he had one eye made of wood. Growing up, he was teased by kids who called him “Wood Eye.” “Hey Wood Eye” they would yell.  “Wood Eye.”   So he avoided social situations and social contact.  He rarely had a date.  One day he felt especially lonely.  Even though he was painfully shy — he decided to attend a dance.

He felt like leaving but he stayed — standing on the side – watching as everyone danced happily to the music.  As he looked around, he saw a young woman sitting alone.  She had been sitting there for a while.  Her hands were folded in her lap and she too was looking around. She looked okay but she had a very severe hair lip.

The guy thought what can go wrong. So he slowly walked over to her. He looked down and had all he could do to ask “may I have this dance?”

She looked up brightly, smiled and said “would I – would I!!”

He yelled at her “Hair lip! Hair lip!” And ran out of the building . . . . .

So this Guy

So there’s this single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.”I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

So this Guy

So this guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and says “about two hours.”  The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked “how long before I can get a haircut?”   The barber looked around the shop and said “about three hours.”   The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said “about an hour and a half.”  The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said “hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes.    He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop laughing hysterically.   The barber asked “so, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up and wiped tears from his eyes and said . . . .

Your house!”

So this Guy. . . .

So this guy is up delivering a speech to a large group of people. He begins to rant “All lawyers are jerks!”  [Or you may select your own epithet]

From the back of the room a guy raises his hand and yells “I really take offense at your words.”

The guy giving the speech asks “are you a lawyer?”

Absolutely not,” the guy says defensively. “I’m a jerk!”

Lawyers do get a bad rap from the public.  In a 2013 Pew research poll, lawyers ranked at the bottom of ten professions.  Only 18% of responders felt that lawyers contributed “a lot” to society’s well being.  And that’s down from 23% in 2009.  In a December 2013 Gallup poll on “Honesty/Ethics in Professions,” lawyers were at the bottom of the list — just above members of Congress, lobbyists and car salesmen.  While there are a lot of good lawyers, I tend to think that much of the criticism of lawyers is deserved.   We don’t police the profession as we might and. . . .  wait . . . shhhh. . . .sorry – gotta run!  I hear a siren. . . . .       

So this guy. . . . .

Two guys are in an airplane flying at 35,000 feet. Suddenly there’s a loud “BANG.” The pilot comes on the intercom “Ladies and gentlemen, we have just lost one of our four engines. We have three other engines and it is no problem to fly.  But we’ll be about one hour late getting to our destination.”

A little while later – another loud “BANG.” Captain comes on “Folks, we have lost a second of our four engines. But this plane can fly on two. But we’re going to be about two hours late getting to our destination.”

A few minutes later, there is another huge “BANG.” The captain comes on the intercom and says “Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve never had this happen but we’ve lost a third of our four engines. This plane is designed to fly on one engine so we’re fine.  But we’re going to be about three hours late getting to our destination.”

So the one guy turns to the other and says “Man – if we lose that fourth engine, we’re going to be up here all day!”


So the Guy Who Wanted a Brownie. . .

So the guy who was on his deathbed called his three best friends together – a priest, a doctor and a lawyer.  “My friends,” he said “I’ve decided that I want to take my money with me.  I’m giving each of you an envelope containing $300,000 in cash.  Just before they close my coffin, I want you to throw in the envelope.  I will be happy because I’m taking my money with me.” 

The friends solemnly agreed and a short time later the man passed away.  At the funeral, each of the friends stepped up and tossed his envelope into the coffin — just as it was being closed.   After the funeral, the three friends gathered to have a drink.  After a moment, the priest broke down and tearfully said “I have a confession.  I took $50,000 out of the envelope to give to a homeless shelter.”  With that, the doctor broke down and sobbed “I have a confession — I took $100,000 for medical equipment for the childrens’ hospital.” 

The lawyer’s eyes narrowed.  His stoic face turned to a frown.  “I am ashamed of you.  Ashamed!  Taking money like that.  I want you to know that I put my personal check in that envelope for the full $300,000. . . . .”   

So this guy. . . .

So this guy goes to the doctor.  The doc says “I’ve got bad news for you and I’ve got worse news.” 

The guy says – “Okay – what’s the bad news?” 

Doc says “You’ve got 24 hours to live.”

Guy says “That’s TERRIBLE!   What’s the worse news?”

Doc hesitates . . . . “Well, I should’ve told you yesterday.” 

So this guy. . . . .

So this guy walks up to a house and rings the doorbell.  A woman answers the door.

Ma’am, I’m a painter.  I will paint anything.”

The woman thinks. . . “Why don’t you paint my porch.   Paint it dark brown.” 

So the guy goes to work an a few hours later, he rings the doorbell. 

Ma’am, I’m all done.  By the way, it wasn’t a Porsche – it was a Mercedes Benz. . . .”