Motion to Kiss My .. . .

As a lawyer, I have been on the receiving end of more than a few lawyer jokes. And have laughed at them. I’ve actually posted a few on my blog due to the high demand, broad appeal and grudging accuracy of some.

I’ve seen my share of weird things in and out of court but I thought I would let you know that not all humor is inspired by lawyers. Some is initiated by litigants. For example. . . .

Washington v. Alaimo, 934 F.Supp.1395 (S.D. GA 1996) featured an angry plaintiff in federal court who filed a motion titled “Motion to Kiss My ***” True

U.S. ex. rel Mayo v. Satan & his Staff 54 F.R.D. 282 (1971) a prisoner filed a class action lawsuit in federal court against the devil “and his staff.” Yep.

A really good one – that won the Criminal Lawyers Award Contest – involved a Charlotte, NC lawyer who bought 24 rare and expensive cigars, insured them against fire, smoked them and submitted a claim against the insurance company. It gets better. Spend 2-1/2 minutes and watch

Try? Win. Don’t Try? Lose.

[A repeat from April 12, 2015] My father was born in 1913. In the late 1920’s, he was a caddy at North Shore Country Club in Glenview. He would take the “train” (streetcar) from Portage Park up to Waukegan Road and Glenview Road. From there, he and his chums would hoof east to the Club.  He would do one – or two – “loops” and then go home on the streetcar which ran down the middle of Waukegan Road.  His best tip as a caddy was a five dollar bill from one wealthy (and apparently grateful) member.  My Dad said he felt rich. 

What’s interesting was my dad’s clear recollection of what happened after work.  He and several other neighborhood boys would exit from the west end of the Club onto Glenview Road and walk around the corner.  Streetcars ran every hour or two.  Thus if a streetcar was approaching – or there – there was lots of incentive to traverse the quarter mile or so as quickly as possible.  My father said it was often the same conductor.  If he saw the boys — and he saw them running — he would look at his watch and hold the other arm in the air.  Holding up the streetcar.  Standing on the pavement.  Arm in the air.  One eye on the watch.  One eye on the boys.   However if one of the boys lagged, or slowed to walk, Mister Conductor would look up.  Twirl his arm in the air (“go!”) and hop on the streetcar.  And off it went.  And the boys would have to wait for an hour for the next streetcar home. 

If they tried, and ran, or at least made an effort, the streetcar would be held up for a few minutes for the boys to arrive.  And then go.  My father said he learned a lesson here.  About trying.  That nameless conductor of nearly a century ago appreciated effort.  He also knew something about charity.  It was simple.  Try?  Win.  Don’t try?  Lose.        


Should a young man who is sentenced to a year in prison for stealing a car be allowed to return to society? To have a job?  Go to school?  To be forgiven? What about the serial thief who shoplifts food to feed her family? And after serving her fourth sentence for theft – she is released.  How about the 68 year old man who served 45 years in prison for killing a man in a bar fight? Forgiveness? Allowed to get a job? What if the 68 year old became a deacon of the church while in prison? And schooled young men on how not to behave? Can we forgive individuals who are accused of saying bad words — but not charged with crimes?  I’m just askin’ . . . . .

More and more people are being canceled.” For speech or acts that are not illegal but are “offensive” to some. Should we forgive them?  Redemption?  A second chance?  Many on the left spring to forgive those in prison.  Even those who commit violent crimes.  Those who violate the law.   But those who use a bad word?  Or say something stupid? Even as a teenager?  Never.   As we know, people can be falsely accused. And freedom of speech is no longer a right according to some.

Did you ever do or say something you regret? I believe that each one of us is more than the worst thing we ever did.  Or said.  And that forgiveness — “Mulligans” if you will (see May 7, 2018) — can be justified.  Mercy – is one of the highest attributes of mankind.  So why not be generous in its dispensing?  Do you ever forgive a family member or friend for hurtful things said or done?  Then why not strangers when there is genuine contrition.  Sincere apology.  If you don’t believe that each one of us is more than the worst thing we ever did or said, then — may you be judged accordingly. . . . .