· A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse
· Apparently an RSVP to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
· Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
· Aliens probably fly by Earth, go home and lock their doors.
· I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
· I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and no-one knew what kale was.
· Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “This can’t be right.“
· My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
· I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were extremely unlikely.