·  A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse

·  Apparently an RSVP to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

·  Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

·  Aliens probably fly by Earth, go home and lock their doors.

·  I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

·  I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and no-one knew what kale was.

·  Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “This can’t be right.“

·  My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

·  I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were extremely unlikely.